“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” – Ambrose Redmoon

Periodically, I go back and re-read those posts I wrote in the beginning, when I was first diagnosed with cancer.   I also read posts at What Next in the early times, or Inspire.com.   

Yesterday, I was reading a post I had written about how scared I was to get a PET scan- and that I needed courage to do it.   I know now that emotions run wild during the time between diagnosis and finding the right treatment plan and the most comfortable health care team.  I didn’t know that then and so I was flailing, asking for help.

Most of the people at the sites that I visit and involve myself in are supportive and kind- but then there are always those that rub a person the wrong way.  Here is a statement that I received from someone when I described how I felt about getting a PET scan.

“I understand that you are upset, but I guess I don't understand what your questions are or what decisions you need to make. If you didn't have the PET scan and your doctor didn't know if the path report from your biopsy was available, what is his diagnosis based on? Decision making requires information, not courage. Ask for a copy of your pathology report from you biopsy and get your PET scan. Until then you are needlessly scaring yourself by assuming the worst without any information to back it up.” –Crabby Person who had not read any of my prior posts.

If she had she would have known that the oncologist (as inept as he was) had gotten the biopsy and that I had been diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer because the cancer was in both lungs.   The PET scan was to see if the cancer had spread.  Lucky for me, after I finally did go ahead and get the PET, it had not.  

I am a big fan of getting help online.  If I had not found WhatNext.com I would never have known to go to IU Simon Cancer Care in Indianapolis and I would have never gotten to be under the care of Dr. Einhorn- which eventually led me to a clinical trial that I am now participating in.  

However, when we are dealing with cancer our own judgement and the judgement of those who care for us become paramount.   We need all the information we can get, and one skill that is needed is the ability to be able to tell the difference between flowers and weeds.   There are lots of weeds online- lots of people giving opinions- and in many ways that’s ok. 

In the end, though it does take courage to move ahead in treatment.   Should I go ahead with chemotherapy or not?  Should I get a port or not?  Should I tell my story or not?  Is it necessary for others to know about this battle?   Should I try to find financial assistance?  Should I participate in a clinical trial?  

Will I survive?   Am I a burden to my loved ones?   Do I want to be?

All of these questions and so many more are part of the cancer roller coaster- and it all ends with you.